When There’s Nothing Good to Share
So I decided to start this blog, right? I was so excited to write again on a regular basis and maybe get a little more down/dirty than I’m able to get in my COTH posts. Plus, I was embarking upon a journey of being a DIY amateur - boarding at a small, private facility, getting different trainers at different times to help me along, and going to horse shows solo. I mean, pretty exciting and scary stuff!
And then, as often happens, things took a different turn.
For logistic reasons that I understand, there is no night turn-out at my current place. I knew this going in, and while it wasn’t my ideal situation for Azul, the other benefits seemed to tip the scales. The place is gorgeous. The care is top notch. The ring has beautiful footing and is meticulously maintained. There’s a covered ring for bad weather. The people are all knowledgable and extremely nice. It’s small and private. I can jump when I want. Best of all, there are no stipulations around who I train with - I can create my own program. For me, it seemed like paradise.
But Azul thought differently. The change from night to day turnout proved to be too much for her. We tried different paddocks, putting everyone out first, putting her out first, putting her with a friend, but try as we might, we couldn’t get her to a happy spot. The best we could manage was letting her go out for an hour in the morning, then bringing her in when she started to pace (before she started to run), then letting her go BACK out for an hour or so after everyone else came in.
She now gets out for maybe 4-5 hours a day. Some of that time means that I put her back out after her dinner and wait around at the barn for several hours with my laptop and phone so she can be out. It’s not optimal, and it’s certainly not sustainable.
Why am I so close? Because I’m sitting with her in a chair in her paddock.
In a last ditch attempt to salvage what, for me, is an amazing situation, we even tried putting her on Trazodone (vet discussed!) to ease the anxiety of going out during the day, but as sometimes happens, she spiked right through the meds - they didn’t make a dent. What’s worse, they seemed to bring out her PSSM like tendencies of a tight, hitchy trot and very reluctant canter transitions. So I’m currently tapering her back off with the hope that it will make those symptoms disappear. I’m also dipping back into savings to shell out for another round of Gastrogard just in case all her anxiety has potentially caused ulcers as well.
What am I not doing? I’m not horse showing, not jumping, and not able to dive headfirst into my next adventure. I’m very much not where I imagined I would be at this point. On the day of what would have been my very first solo horse show, I instead had a lackluster flat on Azul where I had to decide whether or not I should even try to canter (we did, but probably shouldn’t have).
And that’s the truth of my riding at this moment in time.
When my riding is great, it’s always easy to come up with things to talk about or share on social media. When my riding is more challenging, I often get embarrassed about sharing anything at all - especially with Azul, where she can swing so easily from great to challenging, sometimes seemingly overnight.
I think though that many people find themselves in this spot more often than we would like to admit. So maybe being honest about it might make someone else feel better about their “nothing good to share” situation.
And maybe when we lay it all out, we can start to see that there are still good things to share. Azul taught me something about her preferences and how much she can adapt. Other than a few not so great rides (which were influenced by outside circumstances) we’ve been having consistent success in the saddle, including two fantastic solo jump schools. Despite everything, Azul has never looked better, with an amazingly shiny soft coat and a super healthy tail.
Jump school success!
The best part has been the amazing way my horse community has stepped up to help. From the people at my current barn trying everything they can think of to make things work, to my fantastic friends networking and trying to set me up with another great situation alongside my own search.
I’ve met more new people in the past few weeks than I have in the past year - and all of them have come at this with a positive, problem solving attitude - even people who I randomly message on Facebook out of the blue because, hey, they have a horse! They must keep it somewhere! Hi there, person I’ve never met before in Richmond, you have a horse, where do you keep your horse? I haven’t received a single cold shoulder or unanswered message.
Hopefully in my next blog, I’ll have transitioned Azul back to night turnout in a spot where I still have autonomy. Even if I haven’t, I’ll still share where I am and what I’m up to. Because it’s normal to have nothing good to share - and it’s also how you can sometimes find the good to share after all.